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blogger is finally okay liao.

wanted to post so freaking badly on friday but didnt manage to.
my ber zay past away on firday night, 1156pm..
second uncle in 6 months.
it feels so terrible.
went back to malaysia the next day for his funeral. i didnt cry at all in front of anybody. at first i didnt dare to go to his coffin to see his body cos i know i will cry. in the end, secretly went to see, didnt cry.
but i felt super upset, cos i almost couldnt recognise him D: feeling so awful. i cant remember any memories shared between the both of us.

there is so many things that i did and regretted. when will i stop doing things that i will regret?

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i am wondering, if everything has come to an end. have i understand and accept.

dad asked me, my bro and my younger sis to sit around the dinning table and talked. he cried and hit himelf repeatedly. too much things happening, many thoughts flashed past my mind, couldnt stop crying. i dont know what's the situation now. i dont exactly know if everything is okay now. but definitely i am feeling more "balanced". i know about all the debrief points, all the reflections that should be done and the actions that should follows, but i am not sure if i am really ready to do that truely..

we'll see wont we?

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if i die, i hope my family and friends will know what happened to me. all the emotions that i went through, instead of just thinking of some lame reasons. if i die, i hope someone discover what i have been posting before my decisions are made. i dont confide in ppl nowadays cos i feel that they dont care, they wont listen truefully. so i just shut up. but one day if i ever made that decision, i wish that those ppl will understand and realise what i have been wanting to say.

feel so upset all over again. everything is just not right. everything that i planned, everything that i wanted. and i cant help it but to continue crying

i wont pretend to be happy. neither will i openly announce how upset i was. i expressed my unhappiness, people who cares will ask and talk to me. ppl who dont, nothing will happen, i will just be more upset and make the wrong decision as time passes

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like what i predicted, today sucks. i didnt really rot at home. went to kong house, drink bubble tea and watch a movie which i didnt really enjoy. just finished my proposal, going all the way to harbourfront later just pass my sis her pass. i feel really stupid. she asked if i am going to town as she need me to pass to her if not she will have to take cab. so even though i am not going to town, i offered to help. stupid right? seriously i am not close with my sister at all. she is not close to me at all, and she dont care. she rather be close to my younger sister. whenever she got something, she will give her and all, like she bought a new card game, she ask her to play together instead of me and in front of me. oh wells, i am just not likable and i really feel dumb to be helping her cos i know that this is not going to change how she will treat me in the future. upset. seriously. i feel down and nobody care.

today is mothers' day. so what, mum is not at home, not that i/we have any plans for her. well, i am going to go out, to pass my sis her stuff, travel there need an hour, come back also need an hour. so stupid right. i think i should just spend some time and some money over there so as not to feel so bad. so i will reach home at 9. good, i dont need to see and handle the situation later. if they are going to eat, i guess they will be happier eating without me

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:'(

damn sad. i know at some point of time people will feel like nobody cares about them at all. today, i experienced it, it really felt so bad that i cant stop crying, and guess what? the worst thing is that nobody noticed/ cared.

It all started with a stupid burp by my brother who is sitting at the same eating table. i cant stand ppl doing that, its so rude in the first place, secondly, its just disgusting. normally, i would have held by breath and cover my nose for at least a minute, its kind of like xin li fu zuo yong, but i just cant stand it, HATE it. so i made a comment that says: "er xin" then my brother said: "you dont sit here lah" WHAT THE FU*K RIGHT?! D: i was so upset so i just push away my chair and walk away. my mum was like what happen why small small thing also must be so angry. then i was like he burped. my mum just give me the its okay look. my brother still go on demanding for me to go back to sleep, saying i anyhow throw temper and so on, so i just screamed SHUT UP. my mum tried to stop, so i just cried there like an idiot. i cried so hard and so long, at the sofa in the living room where my sis and mum is there too. did they not notice that i cried or they just cant be bothered? i didnt want to eat, wanted to say something like i am so digusted that i dont feel like eating, but its not her fault right? and tomorrow/now is mothers' day. so i just ate sadly, crying at some point of time but nobody give a damn. i seriously feel like an idiot. halfway done, i just said loud and clear that i dont feel like eating anymore. nobody reacted. oh my god, i was so upset. i mean like if its my sis who say that confirm is different de. i was seriously so upset that i just stuffed the food into my mouth, taking like more than 6 spoonful of rice in one go. yup, you are right, nobody care/notice. i really feel like a retard, trying so hard to get their attention, for them to care about me, failing so badly. its so sad to know that nobody actually cares about you. when i went out for movie, nobody know that i went out/ nobody asked where i am going, its like at around 9 plus, if they cared and worry for me, they would have at least asked right? i waited at the door, waiting for dad to ask, but he didnt and i just left without saying anything. for that moment i feel so lousy, so terrible, feel like leaving the house, the world. so i msged joanne, but in the end she seemed more concered about me going for the movie instead of what happened. didnt want to msg kong they all cos i feel that she will be more interested in sharing with me the happy things that happened in her life than to listen to what i have to say, didnt mean anything but that is just how i felt at that moment. i seriously cant believe that, me typing this post here, crying, my mum just behind me, more interested in the election results than me. thanks. i really feel so unappreciated and so inferior and so insignificant. gosh. crying so hard now. tomorrow seems like a worse day, i am just going to rot at home and feel lousy. THIS TOTALLY SUCKS, I AM FEELING SO LOUSY that i feel like doing all the stupid things. who cares anyway. this is really the worst time. no matter what happpened in the pas, i know that there is still someone who care, at least i know that i can lean on my friends. but this time :'(

i feel so... not worthy to be my friends' friend. i feel like i took them for granted. i am such a pathetic LOSER and a SUCKER D:

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Do you love me as much as you love them? Why does this thought also have to haunt me? Make me cry so easily

D':

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can you hear my unhappiness, feel my tears and understand my wants?

HAIYA! D:
not sure whether is it menses coming or have not been real upset for a long time, so emotional now!

money is indeed a sensative issue i guess.
my current allowance is like 7per day, include dinner and all, and then plus 5 dollars for transportation so its like 40 bucks. enough? well, its enough but not enough.. on an average, i spend like 4 to 5 bucks in school, a lot of times more but i had been trying to control! so on average, i spent like 20-25 bucks liao. on saturday and sunday, i will go out what, for cca/ ab stuff/ meet up to study/ go out to play, eat lunch, sometimes dinner and movie, spend at least 20 liao lo, then transport is actually more than 5 lo, just that i dont want to be so ji jiao(irony right lols, here i am whining). so wierd, actually, i am unsure about when i claim money from my mum, like sometimes i eat outside i claim, sometimes i dont, well, recently i dont, and i am broke! D:

i am going to sleep now lols, come and finish what i want to say next time lols, anwyways, i came across a website, GMH <3

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D: bad day!

last friday i was late for school again. the 7th time, was so angry with myself. was late cos i was dragging and at the last part, i cant find my phone, ARGGH shouldnt had look for it as in the end i still didnt find it.

always so many things to do and always dont feel like doing them!

D: that guy that i liked? forget it lah, he is not interested in me and i am no longer interested in him anymore, well, at least for now. ARGGH!! D:

anyways, i am seriously bothered by this guy in my class. since last year we dont like each other, he is always the guai lan one. make me feel like i am back to my secondary school life where aaron and shawn they all dont like me and i dont like them too. haix. i thought jc will be better. anyways, he is really making my jc life sucks. everyday i go to school hoping that he will just disappear from my sight. i even daydreamt about me using a gun and shooting him lols. my class will be so much more awesome without him. why i dont like him? cant explain, its just a feeling. and its so obvious that he dont like me too, tease and badmouth about me in class(supposingly, i am stupid enough to not notice)well, thats what i do too.

things to do on prom night. go to him and say:
"thanks for making my jc life so horrible, can i slap you?"
and then just slap without waiting for his reply.

SONG BO! :D
going to like a new guy soon, so that i can forget the current one D: he really :( make me feel so upset by not doing anything

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scandal with junjie lols

dont think my school ppl will read so i guess its okay to say it here wahahas.

last time they made fun of us, when we are playing in the court then they make the "ten ten ten ten" tune, the wedding tune lols. then recently made fun of us again lols.

dont know why he always wear same shirt/ same colour de shirt with me lols.
like last time long ago both of us wear orange shirt after training, diff shirt somemore. then got one time saturday run wear same shirt also --" then recently, thursday morning wear same shirt then ppl say we couple tee, cos its orange, super bright and only we two wear. anyways, then friday wear same colour tee after training again lols.

and the squash ppl keep like "making chances for us" --"
like that time my captain ask me to ask him sth lols.
or like yesterday, went we on bus they purposely ask me sit beside him, lunch also lols, then tell all the j1s we got something on, coach also know. so lol lols.

but i am more interested in the hockey guy that i met during ab si camp! :D hope can see him tomorrow! *pray* :D

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pity my parents for having kids like us.

haiyo, my sis --"
i dont talk back, i cry. happy?
been crying recently, if you scold me or say nasty things about me and i dont react, that means i am crying. recently crying alot --" especially over family stuff. i dont want to argue so i cry lo haiyo.. crybaby.

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wanted to start out positive cos everything was pretty alright and yesterday as i was talking to ellis, i got the urge to update my blog. but just now --" :"(

haix my previous post i mentioned about the angpao for birthday from my mum, now i really feel like - i dont need money, i need love. sian!!!! angry and sad actually :( but lets not dwell on it.

okays, happy stuff :D
went for AB SI camp(training to be student instructor for a leadership camp) from saturday till monday. enjoyed myself, learnt alot and was glad to be acknowledged by the other campers. found a new crush lololololols! :D

about the acknowledgement part, got ppl nominated me to be the cheif instructor leh, meaning the overall ic. long story lah, to cut short i didnt manage to get any position i think is cos the teachers dont allow cos of my conduct grade(being late for 6 times) BBUUUUTTTTT, i am still very happy that got ppl nominated and voted for me :D as in i know i am not good enough for those post but i just feel like very happy to be acknowledged :D Thankyous!

wahahahs, about my new crush! i didnt know he exist till the camp hahas. i already notice him on the first day of camp cos we same group. though he is not exactly goodlooking but he is just nice. my type wahahas, my friend, samantha analysed and come up with a conclusion that i like those guys who are cute and shy. wahahas, i think thats true. anyways, that guy is just nice, so i miss him on the second day cos not same grouping lols, so sound like hmmmmm, as if i know him for a very long time. anyways, third day we same group again. damn happy de lo, but last day nothing much to do liao :( anyways, third day morning we got pt, played captain's ball. he is in my team ma, then when got ppl pass the ball to me, he tried to intercept and fell right in front of me. so i was like, you very funny leh, we same team de (with a smile :)) then he
was sitting on the floor with his injured knees, and i was right infront of him, checking out his injury. then the next moment was like... he looked into my eyes and said, "heys, sorry leh, i shouldnt have intercept the ball, we same team one" for that moment, i feel like its only me and him, like all those ppl crowding around us dont exist at all.. awwwwww right? :D but after that i held his hand and bring him out of the court, didnt realise that i held his hand, now then remember! :) oh my.. :D

anyways, i dont know if i mention before, i say i like younger guys cos i want to protect them, but at the same time, i want to be protected too. and i think he fits the bill! :D from him falling and still cheng qianging, totally make me feel like protecting him :)

but! i think he likes another girl. haiya! now i am just wishing that we will be in the same committee/ group. its group of 3 wahahahas. *prays*

i think i am funny, when i talk about guys, i am more happy, like although i was sad and crying, now is so much better :D YAY!

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Hmmm. Days pass, now is like end of first term liao, so faaassstttt! :( scare sia, must start to buck up! Tomorrow got ab si camp, scare :( haven't pack :( so troubled now :( very irritated :( just now mum still bombed me with super alot of questions :( I replied quite coldly cos I was very fan inside but don't want to make her angry :(

sian, so many :( faces up there, goin to start positively if I can! Anyways, I put on weigh yet again :( really have to control Liao.

Tomorrow got camp! Hope that I can survive and do well there! :D
anyways, this march holiday I am going to set goals for myself! Gotto catch up with work, lose weight and to think abou alot of stuff, do sone planning, clear my tables and many many more, hope that it will be a fruitful one instead of a wasted one! :D

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Happy birthday to me :D
wasn't as bad as I expected I guess..
Yesterday went to eat with squash ppl, pleasant surprise I would say :)
today in school like any other normal days, just that shake hands with lots of ppl and got many ppl wish me happybirthday hahas :) go back home to sleep lols. Suppose to have like steamboat, slept till 7.30 and forced myself to wake up cos I tot everyone is waiting for me, in the end only sis and mum are eating there, the rest not back yet. Then I go eat, they 2 done liao, dad joins me from work then bro too, sis neh come back yet. Haix, what kind of celebration is this! D:
then eat cake lo.
Just opened my present, like them cos I appreciated the thoughts and effort of ppl giving it to me. If it was in the past I might have complain, saying this and this is so what and so on hahas. Mum pass me an ang pao, she was in the room and I was outside then she just call my name. I know she givin angpao but thought she will come to me and pass, haix feel so wierd, kind of feel like she gave for the sake of giving. Though the amount increased, so what? I don't need these money, I rather they(my whole family) spend more quality time with me, talk to me more so I won't feel like I don't belong here.. Sad moments..
Bring back lots of memories. Still remember when I was younger, we dress up when It was our birthday, mum will cook nice food that we like and then we will take photo together, actually, everyone will dress up :) I don't need any money as present really, I rather celebrate my birthday like how it was celebrate when I was young, where you can see my bright smiles from the photos taken...

I feel like I am drifting apart from this family.. And I don't like it :( can't even remember when was the last time we had dinner together or even watch tv shows together. There is like nothing to talk about anymore. I feel so :'( I don't want this to happen, I know it's not only me, all my siblings too. And among us, we don't talk too, like they never even wish me birthday, my younger sis msged me. I rather she wish me in the face. Haix :'(

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i am no longer at the sad period of my life now hahas. previously my post all sound so troubled. hmm, now should be pretty okays i guess :D

my birhtday coming le, hope that this year will be different from all the rest cos no matter what its my 18th
but i got a feeling that its just going to be a normal day
cos nobody ask me out! D:

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I got a super bad nightmare D: now I am crying over it. Really hope that it won't happen, no, it mustn't happen.. Although it's just a dream but it's so real that I can't help it but to be worried and scared..

I prayed hard that this will never happens..

:'(

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A lot of thing to say. Like short sentances over the week. Can't remember all but here it goes

when I turn my back to backface you and stop talking, I might just be crying silently...

I didn't say what I feel cos I don't want it to affect us. But that doesn't mean I don't know or don't care. I took a step back so please stop pushing me :(

I am emotional and I think a lot and I cry easily. I shut up and cry cos I dun want it to end up me shouting and screaming what I want to say and make you feel sadder or angrier and make the misunderstanding worse and make me cry more.

I cried and shut up. It might seems okay, but I am afraid one day I can't take it anymore.

Sound so emo right? I am. Very stessed up recently, this week I meant. Have been crying every single day. I can't help it :'(