blogger is finally okay liao.
wanted to post so freaking badly on friday but didnt manage to.
my ber zay past away on firday night, 1156pm..
second uncle in 6 months.
it feels so terrible.
went back to malaysia the next day for his funeral. i didnt cry at all in front of anybody. at first i didnt dare to go to his coffin to see his body cos i know i will cry. in the end, secretly went to see, didnt cry.
but i felt super upset, cos i almost couldnt recognise him D: feeling so awful. i cant remember any memories shared between the both of us.
there is so many things that i did and regretted. when will i stop doing things that i will regret?
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
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i am wondering, if everything has come to an end. have i understand and accept.
dad asked me, my bro and my younger sis to sit around the dinning table and talked. he cried and hit himelf repeatedly. too much things happening, many thoughts flashed past my mind, couldnt stop crying. i dont know what's the situation now. i dont exactly know if everything is okay now. but definitely i am feeling more "balanced". i know about all the debrief points, all the reflections that should be done and the actions that should follows, but i am not sure if i am really ready to do that truely..
we'll see wont we?
dad asked me, my bro and my younger sis to sit around the dinning table and talked. he cried and hit himelf repeatedly. too much things happening, many thoughts flashed past my mind, couldnt stop crying. i dont know what's the situation now. i dont exactly know if everything is okay now. but definitely i am feeling more "balanced". i know about all the debrief points, all the reflections that should be done and the actions that should follows, but i am not sure if i am really ready to do that truely..
we'll see wont we?
Sunday, May 8, 2011
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if i die, i hope my family and friends will know what happened to me. all the emotions that i went through, instead of just thinking of some lame reasons. if i die, i hope someone discover what i have been posting before my decisions are made. i dont confide in ppl nowadays cos i feel that they dont care, they wont listen truefully. so i just shut up. but one day if i ever made that decision, i wish that those ppl will understand and realise what i have been wanting to say.
feel so upset all over again. everything is just not right. everything that i planned, everything that i wanted. and i cant help it but to continue crying
i wont pretend to be happy. neither will i openly announce how upset i was. i expressed my unhappiness, people who cares will ask and talk to me. ppl who dont, nothing will happen, i will just be more upset and make the wrong decision as time passes
feel so upset all over again. everything is just not right. everything that i planned, everything that i wanted. and i cant help it but to continue crying
i wont pretend to be happy. neither will i openly announce how upset i was. i expressed my unhappiness, people who cares will ask and talk to me. ppl who dont, nothing will happen, i will just be more upset and make the wrong decision as time passes
.
like what i predicted, today sucks. i didnt really rot at home. went to kong house, drink bubble tea and watch a movie which i didnt really enjoy. just finished my proposal, going all the way to harbourfront later just pass my sis her pass. i feel really stupid. she asked if i am going to town as she need me to pass to her if not she will have to take cab. so even though i am not going to town, i offered to help. stupid right? seriously i am not close with my sister at all. she is not close to me at all, and she dont care. she rather be close to my younger sister. whenever she got something, she will give her and all, like she bought a new card game, she ask her to play together instead of me and in front of me. oh wells, i am just not likable and i really feel dumb to be helping her cos i know that this is not going to change how she will treat me in the future. upset. seriously. i feel down and nobody care.
today is mothers' day. so what, mum is not at home, not that i/we have any plans for her. well, i am going to go out, to pass my sis her stuff, travel there need an hour, come back also need an hour. so stupid right. i think i should just spend some time and some money over there so as not to feel so bad. so i will reach home at 9. good, i dont need to see and handle the situation later. if they are going to eat, i guess they will be happier eating without me
today is mothers' day. so what, mum is not at home, not that i/we have any plans for her. well, i am going to go out, to pass my sis her stuff, travel there need an hour, come back also need an hour. so stupid right. i think i should just spend some time and some money over there so as not to feel so bad. so i will reach home at 9. good, i dont need to see and handle the situation later. if they are going to eat, i guess they will be happier eating without me
Saturday, May 7, 2011
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:'(
damn sad. i know at some point of time people will feel like nobody cares about them at all. today, i experienced it, it really felt so bad that i cant stop crying, and guess what? the worst thing is that nobody noticed/ cared.
It all started with a stupid burp by my brother who is sitting at the same eating table. i cant stand ppl doing that, its so rude in the first place, secondly, its just disgusting. normally, i would have held by breath and cover my nose for at least a minute, its kind of like xin li fu zuo yong, but i just cant stand it, HATE it. so i made a comment that says: "er xin" then my brother said: "you dont sit here lah" WHAT THE FU*K RIGHT?! D: i was so upset so i just push away my chair and walk away. my mum was like what happen why small small thing also must be so angry. then i was like he burped. my mum just give me the its okay look. my brother still go on demanding for me to go back to sleep, saying i anyhow throw temper and so on, so i just screamed SHUT UP. my mum tried to stop, so i just cried there like an idiot. i cried so hard and so long, at the sofa in the living room where my sis and mum is there too. did they not notice that i cried or they just cant be bothered? i didnt want to eat, wanted to say something like i am so digusted that i dont feel like eating, but its not her fault right? and tomorrow/now is mothers' day. so i just ate sadly, crying at some point of time but nobody give a damn. i seriously feel like an idiot. halfway done, i just said loud and clear that i dont feel like eating anymore. nobody reacted. oh my god, i was so upset. i mean like if its my sis who say that confirm is different de. i was seriously so upset that i just stuffed the food into my mouth, taking like more than 6 spoonful of rice in one go. yup, you are right, nobody care/notice. i really feel like a retard, trying so hard to get their attention, for them to care about me, failing so badly. its so sad to know that nobody actually cares about you. when i went out for movie, nobody know that i went out/ nobody asked where i am going, its like at around 9 plus, if they cared and worry for me, they would have at least asked right? i waited at the door, waiting for dad to ask, but he didnt and i just left without saying anything. for that moment i feel so lousy, so terrible, feel like leaving the house, the world. so i msged joanne, but in the end she seemed more concered about me going for the movie instead of what happened. didnt want to msg kong they all cos i feel that she will be more interested in sharing with me the happy things that happened in her life than to listen to what i have to say, didnt mean anything but that is just how i felt at that moment. i seriously cant believe that, me typing this post here, crying, my mum just behind me, more interested in the election results than me. thanks. i really feel so unappreciated and so inferior and so insignificant. gosh. crying so hard now. tomorrow seems like a worse day, i am just going to rot at home and feel lousy. THIS TOTALLY SUCKS, I AM FEELING SO LOUSY that i feel like doing all the stupid things. who cares anyway. this is really the worst time. no matter what happpened in the pas, i know that there is still someone who care, at least i know that i can lean on my friends. but this time :'(
i feel so... not worthy to be my friends' friend. i feel like i took them for granted. i am such a pathetic LOSER and a SUCKER D:
damn sad. i know at some point of time people will feel like nobody cares about them at all. today, i experienced it, it really felt so bad that i cant stop crying, and guess what? the worst thing is that nobody noticed/ cared.
It all started with a stupid burp by my brother who is sitting at the same eating table. i cant stand ppl doing that, its so rude in the first place, secondly, its just disgusting. normally, i would have held by breath and cover my nose for at least a minute, its kind of like xin li fu zuo yong, but i just cant stand it, HATE it. so i made a comment that says: "er xin" then my brother said: "you dont sit here lah" WHAT THE FU*K RIGHT?! D: i was so upset so i just push away my chair and walk away. my mum was like what happen why small small thing also must be so angry. then i was like he burped. my mum just give me the its okay look. my brother still go on demanding for me to go back to sleep, saying i anyhow throw temper and so on, so i just screamed SHUT UP. my mum tried to stop, so i just cried there like an idiot. i cried so hard and so long, at the sofa in the living room where my sis and mum is there too. did they not notice that i cried or they just cant be bothered? i didnt want to eat, wanted to say something like i am so digusted that i dont feel like eating, but its not her fault right? and tomorrow/now is mothers' day. so i just ate sadly, crying at some point of time but nobody give a damn. i seriously feel like an idiot. halfway done, i just said loud and clear that i dont feel like eating anymore. nobody reacted. oh my god, i was so upset. i mean like if its my sis who say that confirm is different de. i was seriously so upset that i just stuffed the food into my mouth, taking like more than 6 spoonful of rice in one go. yup, you are right, nobody care/notice. i really feel like a retard, trying so hard to get their attention, for them to care about me, failing so badly. its so sad to know that nobody actually cares about you. when i went out for movie, nobody know that i went out/ nobody asked where i am going, its like at around 9 plus, if they cared and worry for me, they would have at least asked right? i waited at the door, waiting for dad to ask, but he didnt and i just left without saying anything. for that moment i feel so lousy, so terrible, feel like leaving the house, the world. so i msged joanne, but in the end she seemed more concered about me going for the movie instead of what happened. didnt want to msg kong they all cos i feel that she will be more interested in sharing with me the happy things that happened in her life than to listen to what i have to say, didnt mean anything but that is just how i felt at that moment. i seriously cant believe that, me typing this post here, crying, my mum just behind me, more interested in the election results than me. thanks. i really feel so unappreciated and so inferior and so insignificant. gosh. crying so hard now. tomorrow seems like a worse day, i am just going to rot at home and feel lousy. THIS TOTALLY SUCKS, I AM FEELING SO LOUSY that i feel like doing all the stupid things. who cares anyway. this is really the worst time. no matter what happpened in the pas, i know that there is still someone who care, at least i know that i can lean on my friends. but this time :'(
i feel so... not worthy to be my friends' friend. i feel like i took them for granted. i am such a pathetic LOSER and a SUCKER D:
Monday, May 2, 2011
.
Do you love me as much as you love them? Why does this thought also have to haunt me? Make me cry so easily
D':
D':
.
can you hear my unhappiness, feel my tears and understand my wants?
HAIYA! D:
not sure whether is it menses coming or have not been real upset for a long time, so emotional now!
money is indeed a sensative issue i guess.
my current allowance is like 7per day, include dinner and all, and then plus 5 dollars for transportation so its like 40 bucks. enough? well, its enough but not enough.. on an average, i spend like 4 to 5 bucks in school, a lot of times more but i had been trying to control! so on average, i spent like 20-25 bucks liao. on saturday and sunday, i will go out what, for cca/ ab stuff/ meet up to study/ go out to play, eat lunch, sometimes dinner and movie, spend at least 20 liao lo, then transport is actually more than 5 lo, just that i dont want to be so ji jiao(irony right lols, here i am whining). so wierd, actually, i am unsure about when i claim money from my mum, like sometimes i eat outside i claim, sometimes i dont, well, recently i dont, and i am broke! D:
i am going to sleep now lols, come and finish what i want to say next time lols, anwyways, i came across a website, GMH <3
HAIYA! D:
not sure whether is it menses coming or have not been real upset for a long time, so emotional now!
money is indeed a sensative issue i guess.
my current allowance is like 7per day, include dinner and all, and then plus 5 dollars for transportation so its like 40 bucks. enough? well, its enough but not enough.. on an average, i spend like 4 to 5 bucks in school, a lot of times more but i had been trying to control! so on average, i spent like 20-25 bucks liao. on saturday and sunday, i will go out what, for cca/ ab stuff/ meet up to study/ go out to play, eat lunch, sometimes dinner and movie, spend at least 20 liao lo, then transport is actually more than 5 lo, just that i dont want to be so ji jiao(irony right lols, here i am whining). so wierd, actually, i am unsure about when i claim money from my mum, like sometimes i eat outside i claim, sometimes i dont, well, recently i dont, and i am broke! D:
i am going to sleep now lols, come and finish what i want to say next time lols, anwyways, i came across a website, GMH <3
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